I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
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me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Chicago sounds lovely.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda