GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
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give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
#FunnyLife Insects
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
*Inspirational Tweets*
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work