If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
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I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN