Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
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I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping