I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
<- sleeps well with others
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?