There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Why I divorced her.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
A bold strategy
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!