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ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
No chill.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Pot warmers of the day.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.