Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
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*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?