long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Them: Just act casual
Me:
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Bring back the McRib
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.