My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.