Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
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*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.