[shakes fist at other fist]
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Ken is short for chicken
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
respect
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
necessity is the mother of invention
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again