If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..