[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
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We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.