I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
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Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms