i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
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Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.