What kind of a cult is this?
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This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
calling in to work dehydrated
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*