This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
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Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Sticker placement is key.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
That’s easy for you to say
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Am I having a stroke?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.