I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
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I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
New Tinder profile.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me: