The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…