Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
You Might Also Like
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah