Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
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[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government