What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
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Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.