After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.