Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
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Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Pass gas, not judgment.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”