Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.