Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
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[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.