How can I say no to this ?
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”