On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
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Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”