I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You’ll be OK
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.