I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.