Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
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The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh