If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
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body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.