Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.