When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.