When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
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Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence