“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19