‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
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sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it