Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off