If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.