My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
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My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Donkey Kong sommelier
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?