I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
You Might Also Like
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
prepare for carbonated trouble
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
then why did i get this email