[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
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DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Simple enough.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying