Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
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Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Lmao
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.