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I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name