I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
You Might Also Like
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
This is amazing.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
choose your gary
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.