Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
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Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Finally, a door that understands me
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.