When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Just so funny
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no