Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.