I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.